Monkey News

The Chatty Chimp Good University Guide

Worried that you may not have invested your entire disposable income for the next two decades in the right university course? Take this simple quiz to find out:

Q: Does your university have a strapline like “Preparing you for life” or “Your future starts here”?

A: Slogans are for tampons or energy drinks. Unless the strapline is “Not as shit as you think” or “Four years of pissing around” then it’s disingenuous as well as bollocks.

Q: What is your university famous for?

A: If the answer is “the UK’s highest on-campus crime rate” or “Montana Brown went here” then you should probably expect working in the Student Union bar to be the greatest benefit to be derived from your university years. That and all the sex and drugs.

Q: Are you at a Russell Group university?

A: Then you’re probably middle class, so well done mummy and daddy. Although this doesn’t actually reflect on the university itself, remember that Cardiff and Nottingham are Russell Group so don’t get too far up your own arse.

Q: Are you at Oxford or Cambridge?

A: If so, what are you doing reading this shit? And shouldn’t you be running the country by now?

Q: Does your university course have the word ‘media’ in it?

A: Take 185 fifty-pound notes, arrange into a pyramid, add lighter fluid, whoosh. Repeat once a year, and think of all the time you’re saving.

Q: Did you go to a Comprehensive School? 

A. If ‘yes’, well, I’m terribly sorry. Perhaps you can get into Brunel on clearing.

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