Sun. May 22nd, 2022
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A modern day philanthropist was left feeling thwarted and ‘invalidated’, after her mission to ‘educate the less fortunate, fell upon deaf ears.’ 

Self-appointed eco-empath, Olivia Napton’s pilgrimage to the depths of South London, ended abruptly, when she was shockingly told to ‘go forth and multiply, you smeggy do-gooder.’ 

Proceedings got off to an ‘appalling start’, upon the unfortunate discovery that there was not a Costa or Nero in the sprawling Battersea estate. With only ‘Al’s cafe’ for refreshments, Napton was ‘mocked’, when she asked for a ‘skinny soya latte with stevia.’ 

Explaining her trauma, Napton divulged, ‘the barrista blatantly laughed and handed me a stained glass of tepid tap water. It wasn’t even filtered.’ 

Taking a further turn for the worst, local shoppers ignored Napton’s advice to shop ‘ethically and avoid meat products.’ One elderly resident complained, ‘If I want a spam sandwich, I’ll bloody well have one. I gave her an organic, home-grown v sign.’ 

Final disaster struck, as local youths stole Napton’s mandolin, whilst she was attempting to teach hemp weaving to nursery children. Beating a hasty retreat, she was forced to return to the safer enclaves of her Highgate home. 

Vowing to continue her calling, Napton has pledged to write ‘self-help’ manuals, which will be distributed ‘on her behalf’. 


By Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!