A modern day philanthropist was left feeling thwarted and ‘invalidated’, after her mission to ‘educate the less fortunate, fell upon deaf ears.’ 

Self-appointed eco-empath, Olivia Napton’s pilgrimage to the depths of South London, ended abruptly, when she was shockingly told to ‘go forth and multiply, you smeggy do-gooder.’ 

Proceedings got off to an ‘appalling start’, upon the unfortunate discovery that there was not a Costa or Nero in the sprawling Battersea estate. With only ‘Al’s cafe’ for refreshments, Napton was ‘mocked’, when she asked for a ‘skinny soya latte with stevia.’ 

Explaining her trauma, Napton divulged, ‘the barrista blatantly laughed and handed me a stained glass of tepid tap water. It wasn’t even filtered.’ 

Taking a further turn for the worst, local shoppers ignored Napton’s advice to shop ‘ethically and avoid meat products.’ One elderly resident complained, ‘If I want a spam sandwich, I’ll bloody well have one. I gave her an organic, home-grown v sign.’ 

Final disaster struck, as local youths stole Napton’s mandolin, whilst she was attempting to teach hemp weaving to nursery children. Beating a hasty retreat, she was forced to return to the safer enclaves of her Highgate home. 

Vowing to continue her calling, Napton has pledged to write ‘self-help’ manuals, which will be distributed ‘on her behalf’.