The BBC’s Royal Correspondent, Ian Napton, is reportedly near death after yet another Royal Wedding.
Sources have revealed that the veteran broadcaster has expressed so much ejaculate whilst covering this year’s Weddings and Birth’s that he has almost no fluid left in his body. He exists as little more than a desiccated husk.
Known for his loquacious sycophancy, Ian has covered Royal Events for the last twenty years. Despite his almost constant fawning, the Royal Family have completely ignored him. Routinely passed over for honours, without even an invite to a Buckingham Palace Garden Party, arch royalist Ian has kept the faith.
With daily television bulletins on the state of the Queen’s hats, Charlie’s begonia collection, Phillip’s rascally comments, Will’s breeding programme and Harry, he has kept the nation informed on the lives of our betters.
However, the number of this year’s Royal Events has simply overwhelmed the aging broadcaster. With each Birth, Marriage or Death the nightly need to spaff all over the evening news finally took its toll.
Appeals have been issued to other news media, asking them to check on the health of their Royal Correspondents. The Daily Mail have confirmed that they’ve undertaken an emergency intervention after their Royal Columnist collapsed when revealing photos of Prince William in a pair of budgie smugglers came across his desk.
We asked the Royal Family if they had any comment, or message of sympathy to share with Ian Napton and his family. They said, “Who?”
Jeremy Corbyn was unavailable for comment.