Monkey News

Department of Health launches D-I-Y Home Operation Kits

Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health, has announced that the British People need to take responsibility for their own health, as the burden on the National Health Service  is too great and needs reducing, before it’s sold off to The Americans.

With this in mind the DoH have released a series of App based D-I-Y Home Operation kits, which will allow hard working families to take full responsibility for their health, their treatment and their clinical outcomes.

Following an initial diagnosis, via Skype, a patient will then be sent the appropriate clinical pack, and a link to an App, allowing them to perform the surgery at home.

So far, packs have been developed for; Appendectomy, Hernia, Knee and Hip replacement, Vasectomy, Liposuction, Benign Cyst removal, Amputation, the excision of unsightly lesions, growths and moles, and boob jobs.

Each App pack includes drugs, antiseptics and clear instructions on how the operation can be performed. There is a discount card for B&Q, to allow patients to purchase the necessary surgical equipment.

The introduction of this plan will solve the recruitment crises in the NHS, as all the clinical staff that have buggered off post Brexit, won’t need to be replaced. Hospital car parks will be empty and can be sold off for supermarkets.  This initiative will also, greatly reduce the rocketing number of medical negligence claims currently going through the system, as patients won’t be able to sue themselves.

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