Monkey News

Shammond says austerity is over as CEO’s see an 11% increase in pay

A spontaneous wave of exaggerated thigh slapping, caused mass uproar in the House of Commons, as Phillip Hammond announced that his budget plans might have to be adapted, if a no deal was reached in Brexit negotiations.

One Tory back bencher complained that the unprecedented noise not only woke him up but triggered a tinnitus flare up too. Such impromptu displays of ‘‘working class’ behaviour, were met with a restorative wave of tutting and booing.

Evidently, Hammond’s budget was entirely fool-proof, before this breaking news. Austerity was set to be thrust into the annals of history. Up and down the country, the general public breathed a magnanimous sigh of relief, knowing that their financial difficulties were certain to be over. Public services would be revived, the shortage in teachers would end, affordable homes would appear and the police would withdraw their court proceedings for higher wages.

The last most notable clean up operation on this scale, achieved by a Ms M. Poppins, provided inspiration for Hammond’s venture. However, in keeping with healthy eating standards, the country will have to make do with a spoon full of goji berries, rather than refined sugar.

Hammond, known extensively for his philanthropy, has ensured that C.E.Os wages have risen by a modest 11% in 2018. As a no Brexit deal seems to have unexpectedly reared its ugly head, Hammond is set to make a forcible return to the drawing board. While Jeremy Corbyn begins to erect a large fan outside of 11 Downing Street, Hammond was unable to comment, since he was driving between his two homes.

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