Ina  radical re-modernisation the upcoming Tory Leadership Contest is to be decided by cage fighting with the winner becoming the ‘Ultimate Fu**ing C**t’.

Standard UFC Rules apply; no hair-pulling, scratching, name calling, although back-stabbing is mandatory. The winner is the last FC standing.

The Bookies favourite is The ‘Dis’ May, she clearly doesn’t know when to quit. There’s been a lot of money for Jake ‘The Rake’-Mogg, but that’s not unusual.

The Draw

Match 1 – Blow Job v David ‘Dumbass’ Davis

Difficult call, BJ is younger, and in front of cameras regularly cycles or jogs 50 yards. Training was interrupted by a young lady of flexible moral virtue, difficult to tell whether this will slow him down or not. ‘Dumbass’, was, famously, a soldier, so his Quartermaster’s experience may come in handy.

Match 2 – The ‘Dis’ May v Jake ‘The Rake’ Mogg

JRM issued a traditional challenge to ‘Dis’, sending her a black leather glove. She returned it asking, “Do you have this in Red Leather?’ This should be an easy win for the tough Theresa, with JRM’s lack of body mass counting against him.

Match 3 – Michael ‘The Dump’ Gove v Jeremy ‘The’ Chunt

An unusual battle between the two most hated politicians in the Tory Party. Really, no one would piss on them if they were on fire. Everyone wants them both to lose.

Match 4 – Dominic Raabid v Savage Javid

Closely matched young pretenders to the UFC Crown. Each has shown toughness by picking on minorities. Can Raabid’s black leather belt in Hi-Karate overcome Savage’s back-street fighting experience? Even if they don’t win this time, one of these is sure to, one-day, be crowned the Ultimate F**king C**t.

Once the preliminaries are out of the way it will be on to the night of the long knives, for the next round of It’s A Knockout.