Monkey News

Yorkshire people are banned from London

Seeking things to ban, Priti Patel has outlawed the Yorkshire people from London.

“You can’t have these people coming down from the North, invading our cities and mixing with posh people. It’s not right. Think of the damage it will do to our children! Have you heard how these people speak? It’s like they don’t have teeth. I caught my niece saying ‘get ‘t foot o our stairs’ it’s out of control.”

The Chief Constable supports the Home Secretary’s actions

The Yorkie Gang are responsible for the illegal supply of tripe, lard and pudding into the city. Our young people are gorging themselves to an early death on high-fat foods, washed down with a strong cup of Yorkshire Tea*. We have a duty to protect the public from this heartless trade.

Police have erected a cordon around North London, and reinforced the Watford Gap Checkpoint. Any cars from t’North carrying, whippets, flat caps and pictures of Geoffrey Boycott are stopped and sent back up the A1.

A public information film warns Londoners to watch out for Yorkies. If a member of the public spots a Yorkie, they should not approach them, but report the sighting to their local police station. It is easy to identify a Yorkshirian, they are characterised by their pasty white skin, glum expressions and a ginger tinge.

One prominent Northerner, Brian Napton, said “It’s God’s own country, we are the chosen people. Quite frankly no self-respecting Yorkshireman would go t’that festering cesspit in’t South, unless it was for t’ cricket”

Meanwhile, the government continues.

*Shameless product placement in hope of a free sample.

This T-Shirt was designed to accompany the story. Get it at

Categories:Monkey News

Tagged as: , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s