Tue. Jan 25th, 2022

The oldest firm of British stockbrokers, Plummety Plum and Sons, has closed its doors for the final time.

Never having been willing to allow new-fangled computers to ruin their business, the firm saved a fortune on IT support, but concluded that modern young bucks didn’t want to do business via an actual telephone call or through the post any longer.

Bernard Plummety, 98, and his brother, Melvin, 96, founding members of The Pen And Paper Appreciation Society, have been running the company since 1958, although they haven’t actually bought or sold any shares for a client since 2010.

Every trade was perfectly documented in exactly the same manner throughout the company’s entire history, with neat handwriting in a large ledger. Never did the system “go down,” require “an upgrade” or otherwise muck things up. A simple fountain pen, good quality paper, a ruler and a decent ability to tot numbers up were all that was required.

Nevertheless, business was thin on the ground at the start of the decade and didn’t pick up. The bills could no longer be paid from the meagre income generated by administering their only remaining client’s share certificates and dividend payments, and as the price of ink kept on rising the doors had to close.

The company’s pen and paper approach hasn’t changed one jot since 1793” Melvin said in his final address to staff, who had an average age of 84. “We introduced the telephone in 1881, much against Charles Plummety’s better judgement, and before we knew it, we were receiving unsolicited calls from PPI claims people.”

The remaining staff received One Guinea each in recognition of their service.


By Colin

Colin is one of our more experienced writers, he is very fond of a cup of tea, a bourbon biscuit and a bit of a nap in the middle of the afternoon. Been noted to express disapproval with a hrrump!

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