Monkey Business

HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan

HMV’s  administrators have come up with a cunning plan to help save the beleaguered retail chain. With the assistance of the Government, HMV will now be selling gongs, medals, peerages, £14 Million Ferrying contracts and Ministerial access.

Ian Napton, of VR Administrators, explained, “We had the idea when the story broke about the government selling off peerages to try and get Theresa May’s Brexit deal through Parliament.”

“Everyone knew the selling of favours and honours for financial and political gain had been going on for years but no-one had thought to formalise the process. We realised that we could start immediately and this was a great opportunity for us to make loads of money.”

Tom Collins of the Finance Ministry explained, “It was a perfect match, they gave us loads of cash, invited us to the Opera and got us Wimbledon Finals tickets, and shortly after the deal was done.”

Under the deal HMV will pimp out The Queen to offer ennoblement to those who can do the most good for the Government. Minor titles such as Earldoms and Baronets will exchangeable for cash, favourable media coverage or the endorsement of celebrities from sports and The Arts.

MP’s will be able to purchase higher office at a premium. This higher cost reflects the benefits of the HMV Rewards Scheme, where they will receive a direct return on any influence sold. Grift vouchers will also be available.

One early deal, done under the scheme, was the awarding of a £14 Million pound emergency ferry contract awarded to a shipping company with no boats.

Asked if this was legal, Ian Napton, explained, “It doesn’t matter, by the time anyone gets a legal challenge through the courts, HMV will be back into administration, we will have had our money and be sunning ourselves in The Maldives.”