National Sickie DayMonkey News

For Auld Lang’s Syne, one more beer won’t hurt

Widespread confusion is engulfing the country, in the aftermath of Christmas, as people struggle to come to terms with reality. Millions have been spotted wandering the streets aimlessly, glassy-eyed, with slightly jaundiced complexions.

Alarming issues, such as not knowing the day of the week and having empty food cupboards, save for a discarded Christmas cake and stale undercooked turkey, have thrown the nation off balance. The most puzzling question is; Can we crack out the alcohol at nine in the morning?

Having forgotten to go to work on Thursday, Ian Napton from Clapham, found himself pouring a jagerbomb, in lieu of his morning latte. He went on to say ‘’It’s Christmas still, I think, until January at least. It would be rude not to.’’

With enough body shop produce to sink a battleship, the nation smell divine but sadly with massively overdrawn bank balances, many are in serious danger of developing rickets, having been forced to eat cheese, biscuits and quality street for dinner, four consecutive nights.

Hope is the horizon for an upturn in British enthusiasm, with the rivetting prospect of people setting themselves ridiculously unrealistic New Year resolutions. With droves facing the grim prospect of slimming world and dusting off their trainers, they can at least enjoy one more guilt free drinking bender, welcoming in the new year.

Categories:Monkey News, Xmas

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