Newcastle United owner and Sportsdirect.com behemoth Michael Ashley has announced a new and exciting partnership to the world’s media via the Basingstoke Gazette and a confused Buzzfeed intern.

Michael set out the main aims of the deal; “My company, Sportsdirect.com, is linking with the Department of Education to bring business efficiencies into Education. For too long schools have been characterised by wasteful spending and unrealised earning potentials.”

“From the next academic year, we’ll be doing away with nonsense subjects such as PSHE, Religious Education and Maths, and bringing in exciting new courses such as Product Design, Make Your Own Trainer and Pile it High and Flog it Cheap.”

“We’ll be encouraging teachers to bypass the middle-man and go straight to our customer, the parents. Through weekly cold-calls, commission based sales, loyalty cards and dubious incentives they will turn parents’ cold, hard cash into their child’s GCSE Grades and future employment prospects.  Children can get the grades their parents are prepared to pay for.” 

“We will be doing away with ‘breaktimes’ and ‘half-term’, we rate these as highly inefficient. It’s much more productive if, from the beginning of Key-Stage 3, students were encouraged to take responsibility for important, real-world tasks, such as stitching Donnay labels or making Nike trainers.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Education said, “All the kids can get Saturday jobs and we can say we are supporting a British Business by taking all unskilled manual jobs back from China. The Minister loved it.“