“Carrie, I’d like to say how sorry I am. It shouldn’t have turned out like this.” said Cupid, before going on to explain.
“I saw Carrie sitting in her flat with a bottle of Lambrini and a cat. I thought “this won’t do”. You can’t have a beautiful, rich, white girl sitting at home, bemoaning her lot in life, she is one of the chosen. So I tried to fix things.
There was this guy at her work, he looked like a Norse God. He was all bulging muscles, blond hair, blue eyes and packing a giant hammer. He seemed perfect. Anyway, I fired off the old A and thought no more about it. The system’s fool-proof, once the arrow hits, love is guaranteed.”
“Well! You can imagine my surprise when I opened the paper, to find that Carrie was having Boris Johnson’s baby. That wasn’t the man I was aiming at!”.
After 2,500 years matchmaking, it appears his skills have faded. “I’ve had the odd cock-up over the years, who hasn’t? The tendonitis in the elbow plays havoc with the draw, sometimes I forget to oil the string and the eyes aren’t what they used to be. Occasionally, accidents happen.”
“An apology is not good enough” claimed Carrie. “At my age, I should be getting shagged senseless by some Viking God, with a huge hammer. But what did I get? A pasty tub of lard with, questionable body odour, bad breath and a floppy cocktail sausage. When he’s not working, he likes to watch his bus go into a tunnel, and that’s not a euphemism. But now, I fuckin’ love him! What am I going to do?”
Following the latest embarrassment, a contrite Cupid has promised to get himself down to Specsavers. “Should have gone there in the first place.” He said.
Farage Riots – Season Two ‘Not as good as the original,’ says TV Critic
This summer brought season two of the hit series The Farage Riots to our screens. The new series aired relentlessly on all the major news channels. As the nation continued to scroll through online shopping apps on their phones, reporters came in their pants with excitement as cheap tracksuit-wearing football fans set about burning down…
Nigel Farage Misses Gold at Hide-and-Seek Championship
He may be slipperier than an eel in an oil tanker but even Nigel Mirage can catch Donald Trump!
“Poor people must work harder!” says Farage
“Work harder” says Frottage. “Don’t you mean work smarter?”. “No, I ahd it right the first time.”
Categories:Monkey Life, Monkey News, Politics
The Chatty Chimp 