Bewildered marriage guidance counsellors, were forced to return customer’s money, admitting that men and women really are from different planets.

With the ‘new man’ allegedly stepping up to the plate, psychologists initially aspired to bridge the chasm in marital communication. Researching how each sex felt their emotional needs were best met, psychologists quickly found a raging gulf between view points.

While many women preferred positive affirmations of love, with small, surprise gifts and gestures, men conversely opted for a simpler approach, favouring the satisfaction of their basic, primal needs.

Speaking from Clapham, Gillian Napton opened up revealing, ’Having a conversation when he’s not looking at his bloody phone would be a start. Ideally, telling me how lovely I look, without hundreds of prompts and emptying the bin occasionally, would be bliss.’

Contrarily, Ian Napton confided, ‘Steak and chips, an afternoon of uninterrupted sport on telly, without her wittering in my ear and a blow-job, would do the trick for me.’

Sadly, those wishing to return the sparkle to their marriage were told that there was more chance of hell freezing over and given a full refund.