Mental Health Self Checking MachineMonkey News

Mental Health Self Checking System to replace Doctors

With mental health issues reaching a record high, the government have introduced a revolutionary ‘self-checkout system’.

Aimed at quelling the mental health crisis, self-checkouts will be trialled at supermarkets, bridges and train stations. Sponsored by Dignitas, each unit encourages sufferers to input their symptoms, then wait for automated feedback.

Printed feedback reports, identify key symptoms and grade the patient, accordingly. This will be uploaded to a central government database, for no good reason, whatsoever.

If the report suggests a patient’s troubles are minor, they can expect a list of positive affirmations, such as ‘lighten-up’ or ‘look on the bright side.’ This will be accompanied by an amusing picture of a kitten.

Should a patient be flagged as moderately mental, they would be referred to a call centre. This will be staffed by three highly qualified listeners, each trained for three hours in leading-edge counselling.

As a last resort, those in the severely mental range, will be added to the waiting list for suitable therapy, with an average waiting span of three years. If you have private health insurance, this of course would automatically reduce to three days.

The worst cases will be entered into a raffle, with the winners receiving a one-way ticket to Dignitas. 

Preparing for post Brexit, Health Secretary Matt Hancock welcomed the innovative solution; ‘We endorse any patient lead technology, which promotes self-help and quite frankly allows us to do shit-all. If you can have ferry-less ferry companies, you can have doctor-less healthcare.’


Origins of the Mental Health Self Checking Story

Lady Tamsyn is four sandwiches short of a picnic herself, so takes a keen interest in the chronic lack of support for people with mental health problems. She also finds it funny that the current crop of loonies, in government, are proposing strategies for dealing with mental health. 

We have run a previous story on Matt Hancock’s Big Idea, that we’re all responsible for our own health;

There was a press announcement, by the Health Secretary, informing us of the need to take responsibility for our own health;

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