Monkey News

A handy template for Boris Johnson’s next Public Apology

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology. 

Regretfully, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a naughty boy.

On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/  my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.

I accept that once again, by getting caught, the standard of my behaviour has fallen below that expected of a public servant. I’ve displayed a staggering lack of honesty/integrity and/or responsibility.

In this case, my failure to declare income of over £52,000/ corporate hospitality/ free holidays/ relationship with my (secretary/intern/any passing women)/dealings with oligarchs/Saudi Princes/Arms Dealers/an Old Etonian Crony /Dodgy businessman was a severe lapse in judgement.

Insert qualifying statement here; When one has so much money coming in it’s easy to misplace £52,000 and fail to declare it on the register of member’s interests. A register designed to ensure MP’s are not subject to undue influence. 

Insert attacking rebuttal here; I do believe my own private earnings are no-one’s business but my own, and therefore, nothing to do with that jumped up little grammar school shit.

Of course you’re all going to forgive me, that’s what you do. Rich kids always get away with it. This is like when Nanny made me apologise to Giles Giles Jnr after I took his model Bugatti away from him. I didn’t mean it then and I don’t mean it now.

Look, I’m just the cheeky chap off the tele. I’m not like all those other politicians, I’m one of you, the common people. So let’s get this out of the way and get on with getting me into Number 10. That’s the ticket.

The Origin of the Boris Johnson Apology Template

This came about because we had a Thoughts and Prayers Template, for use in the event of a mass shooting;

Shortly after we came up with this idea, Boris was in trouble again. Our first thought, when we heard his apology, was that we have heard this all before. Hence the template. 

Here is the latest parliamentary censure, of a man who could be our next Prime Minster; Boris

Worrying, isn’t it?

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