Sun. May 22nd, 2022

Fans of Paddington Bear are horrified after rumours started to circulate that he’s been keeping more than his Marmalade sandwich under his hat. The word is out that he’s checked into a rehab clinic. 

He’s got to sort himself out; his marmalade addiction is getting out of han… er… paw. It was OK when it was only a scrape of the breakfast stuff, but now he’s doing the rough-cut and he can’t stop.

Mr Brown

Close friends say that the duffel coated bruin has fought a constant battle against the lure of the orange preserve. 

He left Peru to get away from the family business producing the stuff. But when he arrived in London, he discovered that the Brits serve it up for breakfast. That was just talking the pith really.

Rupert, Paddington’s friend. 

Preserve addiction specialists say that the dependency can be cured, but that a difficult battle lies ahead. 

Initially, we’ll start easing him off the hard stuff by giving him Tango and Jaffa Cakes to dull the craving. Then we will move him onto apricot preserve to finally break the orange habit.

Dr. Doless, jamologist.

When asked if he could make a full recovery, Dr. Doless replied: “Sure. I mean, do bears sh… well, that’s a different story.”


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!