As immigration rumbles on in the news, the Government release details of Britain’s latest entry requirements.

New arrivals will be given a points value based on how Brown they are, on The Painters Colour Chart. The darker the shade the fewer the points.

Due to Liverpool’s high sun bed usage some residents may get caught at airport security, but the Government thinks this is a small price to pay.

Priti Patel claims the system offers many advantages; it’s cheap, it doesn’t rely on undeveloped technology so it can’t crash, it’s very easy to train out and processing is quick and efficient, reducing border delays.

Additionally, the Government won’t need to pay printing costs as an immigration officer can pick up the swatches from B&Q, on his way into work.

Some people are exempt. For example, those with an appalling record on human rights, arms dealers, fraudsters, investment bankers, oligarchs, tax-dodgers, anyone who was a school with Bozo, deposed dictators and corrupt politicians won’t have to show their forearms.

A Home Office official denied claims from Snowflakes that this was an appalling way to treat people.

The Conservative Party is not institutionally racist, we just don’t like poor brown people coming to Britain. Anyway, as long as we say its points based no-one will think it’s racist.

A Government Shill