Monkey Games

Scientists begin search for Australia’s missing backbone

Scientists and Doctors working at Credulous College have begun an extensive search for the long-lost Australian Spine.

Once upon a time the Australians were famous for their backbone. It provided strength and certainty in difficult times. Its absence was first noted when their cricket team turned in some woeful performances, for example failing to bowl out Alistair Cook.

This led to some light-hearted chants, such as “Are you England in disguise?” Of course, the England fans had no reason to believe this state of affairs would last long. Surely, the Australians would rediscover their backbone and return to thumping England all over the place.

However, the malaise continued and started infecting other sports. Soon the Australians were losing at Rugby, Football, Tennis, Golf, Swimming and even Ping-Pong, much to the Rest of The Worlds amusement.

But it was in cricket that the loss was most keenly felt. Test matches were now over so quickly that several members of the Australian team took on DIY jobs to supplement their income.

The latest debacle, the 2019 Cricket World Cup semi-final, saw the Aussies fold quicker than a middle manager in a performance review meeting.

Scientists are keen to see if they can identify an underlying cause of this spinelessness. Is it nature or a learned behaviour? Have they become conditioned into a nation of losers? Perhaps it’s the inevitable result of being raised on pissy lager? And how will England change, now they can actually beat someone?

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