Mon. Oct 26th, 2020
Near fatal toilet roll accident

A south London woman has been found safe and well, though slightly seething, after being reported missing by her husband. 

Fears for Gillian Napton grew, when her husband Ian discovered the Sunday roast had failed to emerge at it’s usual time, post golf game. 

Reliving the ordeal, Ian Napton told us, ‘Alarm bells rang, once I got home, arguably a tad late, to radio silence and an empty oven.’ 

Explaining further, Napton revealed he couldn’t gain access to the bathroom but was unperturbed, as ‘this is commonplace, living with teenagers.’ 

Unfortunately, Ian’s wife Gillian, was subsequently discovered by the police unharmed, beneath an avalanche of empty cardboard toilet roll tubes. 

Speaking passionately to us, Gillian disclosed that she was waging ‘a one woman war’, on being the only person to remove the tubes from the bathroom. Through defiance, she had subsequently begun to fashion ‘an abstract sculpture’ with the offending articles, which had ultimately toppled on her, Jenga style, at the weekend. 

Despite suffering from mild dehydration and extreme irritation, Gillian vowed to continue her mission. 

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By Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!