The big managerial news this week was the arrival of former Sheffield Wednesday boss Stevie Bruce at Newcastle, though his appointment was not without controversy as the tabloids broke the news that Stevie was not actually Mike ‘Power Drinker’ Ashley’s first choice for the job.

“Of course” said Mike, as he vomited in a fire place and ordered another half pound of pork scratchings down his local boozer, “We went through a few names. I met a bloke in here called Rodney the other day, reckoned he might be able to do us a job, but he’s banged up for parole violation so it looks like one we’ll have to revisit later.”

After nipping outside for a quick ciggie, Mike continued, “I fucking love you man, you fucking know that? Where were we? Well, as I say, I looked at all the options. Sir Alf Ramsey – apparently he’s dead, thought he might’ve been popular. My mechanic’s pretty nifty, so I asked him but apparently he prefers a more stable working environment, which is also why I had no luck with this bloke who came round to unblock the downstairs bog – turns out I’d blocked it up with kebab meat and sick.”

Returning to the main topic, Mike said, “I always had Brucey in mind. After we got no replies to the ad on Linkedin and after I couldn’t get Ray Parlour’s agent to give me his number and after I realised Mike Bassett was fictional, I naturally thought of Steve, and luckily he wasn’t really in a position to say no.”