Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology after getting caught again.

Regretfully, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a very naughty boy.

On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to The Queen/ my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ The Standards Committee/my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends’ spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife.

I accept that once again, by getting caught, the standard of my behaviour has fallen below that expected of a public servant. I’ve displayed a staggering lack of honesty/integrity and/or responsibility.

In this case, my failure to honestly advise The Queen/ declare income of over £400,000/income from a London Flat/ write racist, sexist and homophobic comments/knowingly mislead everyone/have inappropriate relations with my (secretary/intern/any passing women)/dealings with oligarchs/Saudi Princes/Arms Dealers/Old Etonian Cronies and Dodgy businessmen was a severe lapse in judgement.

Insert qualifying statement here; I didn’t realise that as the Government’s top legal bod I had a responsibility to be scrupulously accurate in declaring my financial dealings. I thought no one would notice, especially after I got caught last year.

Insert attacking rebuttal here; I do believe that what I do with my money has nothing to do with some jumped up little grammar school shit.

Of course, you’re all going to forgive me, that’s what you do. Rich kids always get away with it. This is like when Nanny made me apologise to Giles Giles Jnr after I took his model Bugatti away from him. I didn’t mean it then and I don’t mean it now.