The Great Lockdown Escape Plan, featuring every Tom, Dick and Harry

The Government releases details of their Great Lockdown Escape. Every home will receive a vaulting horse, wood stove and shovel.

In his occasional address to the nation, Boris Johnson says that the Government wouldn’t be able to get everyone out at once. Some of you will have to remain locked up in lockdown.

Rather than employing a complicated numerical system to organise a phased return to normal life, each household will have to dig themselves out. Every home will be assigned to either, Tom, Dick or Harry. The tunnels, concealed beneath wood stoves and vaulting horses, will then be dug to the roadside. Once through to the kerb, the citizenry will be able to pick up their ration card from the local Post Office and go about their daily business.

I can get a tin of Spam and I toilet roll, it’ll never last

Government advisers believe this system ensures that the youngest and fittest will be the first people out, and thereby exposing the healthiest to the virus. The scheme maintains social distancing requirements while allowing The Prime Minister to look Churchillian. As a bonus, it fits in nicely with the VE Day Celebrations.

The scheme is not without risks. If the roof caves in on a digger, relatives are asked not to do anything. This reduces the burden on the NHS, and allows financially hard-hit families to make a saving on funeral expenses. Residents in flats should take care not to disturb the neighbours.

In a passionate speech, Boris Johnson roused the nation’s spirits, “We will show Fritz Merkel who is handling this crisis best, we won’t be beaten by a nation of beer drinking, sausage-eaters.”