A tourist has been arrested after accidentally loitering on the steps of the Ministry of Defence.

Tom Merton, (25) from Glasgow, was enjoying his Ryvita and £8 cup of London coffee when he found himself being handcuffed, gagged and manhandled by armed Ministry of Defence Police who clearly have nothing better to do with their time.

“I was just enjoying my lunch and catching up on the latest issue of Cosmopolitan when I suddenly felt myself being arrested,” Tom revealed over videolink from the Vietnamese prison he’s now being kept in. “I had no idea it was the Ministry of Defence. I just saw steps, and as a Glaswegian, presumed I could just fire myself right down onto them.”

Somehow avoiding the huge Ministry of Defence sign, the armed guards or their command of “Step back or we’ll bayonette you to death,” Tom and his Ryvita were taken to Heathrow, tortured in airport security, refused access to duty free and sent cargo-class to where he’s now being kept until he promises not to just sit on any old bit of ground in London without filling out a form or winning an election.

We reached out to the MoD to ask whether Mr Merton was a threat for loitering or a threat for having Ryvita for lunch, but they replied by detaining our families, burning our passports and insisting we go back to University and actually undertake worthwhile degrees.

Ironically, while this was all happening and the guards were distracted by detaining Scottish tourists and insisting the bribes “weren’t legal tender,” spies broke into the MoD and now we’re at war with Korea.

Good luck everyone, £8 coffees on us.