The country breathed a collective sigh of relief after discovering that Chris Grayling is not in the cabinet.

As Boris Johnson settles back into life at Downing Street he revealed his new cabinet. There was widespread joy after it was clear that Chris Grayling has not been offered a position within it.

“When we did the sums we realised we could afford to carry out all of our manifesto commitments by simply not giving any government position to Chris Grayling. By avoiding colossal financial cock-ups we can fund the health service, education and the justice system. I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.” Said Boris.

Whilst Theresa May commented “Oh Bollocks, why didn’t we think of that?”

Boris added, “There will be enough money left over to give everyone a tax cut, feed the homeless and even pay some of the minor royals.”

However, all is not sunny as one critic pointed out that they still have Dominic Raab, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove so there is still plenty of time for these three to make a mess of things.

Again, the Prime Minister was quick to point out that they had a ‘Cummings Plan’. Whilst the three stooges will be department heads, all of the important decisions will be taken by those behind the scenes. The idiots will be wheeled out periodically in order to say something so mind-bogglingly stupid that it will allow their officials get on with running the country.

In a characteristically frank statement, the Prime Minister said “We told the people we would give them unicorns, they believe they will get unicorns and, if they want unicorns then, by Jove! we are going to give them sodding unicorns!