Wed. Oct 21st, 2020
Fat Santa is out of order

Uproar was caused at the A.N.Y office party, following an alleged assault to a middle-aged man’s dignity.

Events unfolded following the onslaught of a free bar and insubstantial canapes. Whilst Chumbawamba was in full swing on the dancefloor, Robin from accounts, dressed as Santa, offered to show Anna from H.R his grinding. Alarmingly, she retorted ‘Get lost Grandpa!’, causing widespread guffawing and a distinctive dent to his ego.

Amongst the soothing company of fellow alpha males, Robin commented:

There was simply no need for such cruel language. Everyone knows it’s Christmas and that I bust them moves well good.’

Robin from accounts, drunk, lecherous chubster

He went on to argue his defence by saying ‘’Listen, in the eighties I was a dead ringer for Jonny Depp and I had a Ford Escort Mark 1. Not only that, I wear a Superdry jacket and reebok classics on my days off.’’

He added, “I didn’t deserve that, I made a real effort, she didn’t need to insult me, she really hurt my feelings. I felt she undermined me as a man in my own right.”

I’m assured some people find the way the light reflects of my bald spot to be attractive and the extra weight gives me gravitas. I’d learned my chat-up lines from Pick up Chicks with Jeremy Clarkson, I was assured they were solid gold, I don’t know why they didn’t work.

Robin, crying into his pint, contemplating where it all went wrong

Thankfully normality was quickly resumed, once Pete from customer services got in a round of Stella Artois and said something sexually derogatory about Anna.


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By Lady Tamsyn Marie

Lady Tamsyn Marie elegant, charming and more vicious than Mary Poppins

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!