Thu. Jul 7th, 2022
Window licking wierdo

Still-UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been inundated with applications following his latest call for “Weirdos” to join his Government, seemingly not content with those already employed.

The announcement was made following Mr Johnson’s bid to utilise the ideas of creatives and pragmatic, blue-sky thinkers to assist in his plans for 2020. However, his word choice of “Weirdos” has inspired a motley group to begin queuing outside Downing Street.

We spoke to one of the first applicants, James ‘Levitating Eyebrows’ McJames – an amateur stamp licker and two-stringed banjo enthusiast – who stated,

Weirod and amateur stamp licker
I licks ’em good!

“This is a fantastic employment opportunity for us oddballs. My whole family’s applied – my step-wife Margaret; her three children Kate and Terrence; plus, my Grandma and his wife, Bartholomew. They’re, unfortunately, not as gifted at being as weird as me.”

Also in line this morning was a Tower Hamlets resident, only to be identified as the letter “F”, along-with his pet goat, Ian McKinley; a man with the uncanny ability to operate the Wetherspoon’s coffee machine, and the entire cast of The Lion King.

Weirdo milking his goat
Hey Billy, it’s not a girl goat

“This isn’t quite the turnout we were expecting,” Mr Johnson mused. “When I said we wanted ‘Weirdos,’ I really meant we want ‘special people.’ But I was told I couldn’t say that either.”

“I’ve always wanted to work for Government ever since I was a foal,” said one of the early applicants, a Mrs Jensen Piccolo of Surrey – a part-time yoga mat and inventor of the blowtorch mop, “Now Mr Johnson’s giving me the chance. I’m so glad I’m one of the nutters who voted for him.”

Due to the shocking number of weirdos applying for the coveted jobs in the London area alone, Mr Johnson has decided to televise the interview process, which is currently being presided over by judges Nick Robinson, David Walliams, the ghost of John Bercow’s career and a scotch egg.

Mr ‘Levitating Eyebrows’ McJames is currently on the shortlist for the job of Tory secretary thanks to his uncanny impression of an alarm clock on a sinking ship, and Mr Peter Questionnaire of Thupminster Green has impressed the judges for being a money-grabbing, fox-hunting b*stard and thus highly qualified.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, however, has been disqualified for being far too weird to work in Government and has instead been cast off to work as Prince Andrew’s top drawer.

‘Brexit’s Got Talent’ continues on ITV tomorrow evening, where Mr Johnson and the judges will be forced to choose a semi-finalist between a business analyst who’s had years of experience of working within Government or an art grad who thinks that the cabinet office can be powered by humous and beat poetry.

Beat Poet
Twas brillig and the ….

By Eden Luke McIntyre

Eden Luke McIntyre is a script writer, editor, sketch writer/performer, radio producer and all round scrivener. If you've any little job, project or gig that may utilise his talents ping an email to

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