Mon. Oct 26th, 2020

The hard-working pseudo-scientists at Gwyneth Paltrow’s health and lifestyle foundation have developed an anti-vampire agent.

Nope, no vampires here

“It was a serendipitous discovery, we were looking at creating a new vaginal douche and had been experimenting with scents based on the odours of celebrities, Gwyneth, Jim Davidson and Piers Morgan as examples.

During the development process, one researcher noted that there was a clear absence of vampires. We double-checked but we couldn’t find any evidence of blood-sucking activity within three miles of our Holistic Solutions Facility. Obviously, we were astounded, so we called in some serious scientists and they couldn’t find any vampires either. Although they did note that the air-purification system, that removed the harmful fumes created by our research experiments, was blocked.

Like many discoveries in science, it was a happy accident, where you go looking for one thing, only to find another. Once we had confirmed our findings, we immediately got in touch with the marketing team. They were convinced there was a Netflix special in it, I’m hoping to be played by James Corden.” Said Chief Mysteriologist, Billy-Bob Napton.

OMG, it’s James Corden

The makers of Gloop Vampire repellant say the main advantage of their product, over traditional anti-vampire medicine is that it doesn’t smell like garlic.

Inspired by this success the team are developing a range of scents designed to repel Zombies, Ghosts and the Bogeyman. Initial tests using Auntie Jane’s Eau De Cologne have proven to repulse even the most enthusiastic ghoulie.


I’m gonna have to science the shit outta this
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By Id

Id, is a bit of a wild one

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!