After a rather difficult weekend, Britannia has updated her Facebook relationship status to, ‘It’s Complicated’.

As the on/off relationship with her sexy European Pen-Pal, Jean-Claude Schmidt, comes to an inglorious and messy end, Britannia has gone on one disastrous date after another. 

There was the very public bust up with Arlene, over Britannia getting closer to  Eireann, or ‘That ginger Catholic slut’ as Arlene called her. Then Eireann got all sniffy, just because Priti Patel suggested she needed to go on a diet, commenting; “and she’s a fine one to talk, sure she is. Her with those hips.”

Lost, alone and sinking into madness, depression and chaos; Britannia thought a visit to the Far East would be just the ticket, to set things right.

Phillip Hammond, arranged to meet her in China, which was fine and dandy until Gavin Williamson turned up and started playing with his battleships. China got upset and stormed off in a huff, saying “Don’t they know they haven’t got an Empire anymore! You can’t just go around threatening people with gun boats, that’s our job.” 

Meanwhile, Liam Fox and few mates flew out to Tokyo to, share bedrooms, and see if they could find some Japanese friends to keep Britannia company.

Unfortunately, after a bit too much Saki things got out of hand; “They behaved like they were on a stag night, I’ve never seen anything like it. We sent them home, we don’t want anything more to do with them.” said Sakamoto Napatono.

Wandering alone; un-liked, unloved and friendless, ‘It’s Complicated’ seems about right.