Faced with allegations of double-standards, hypocrisy and one rule for the rich, the Government have moved heaven and earth to protect Dominic Cummings from further criticism.

Boris Johnson’s chief political adviser and close personal friend, undertook a 250-mile journey to Durham to dump his 4-year-old child with his ageing parents. Given that Dominic and his wife were likely to be Corona Virus positive, this journey broke the law he helped design.

However, fortuitously for Dominic, it transpires that a Government Decree extends Mr Cummings garden by 250-miles, to Durham. Because he and his wife were always within the confines of his garden, no laws were broken.

Michael Gove rushed to Mr Cummings defence saying, “An Englishman’s Garden is his castle.” Adding, “If a man can’t weed his borders, the country is in a sorry state. The emergency legislation does allow potentially infected people to be in their garden. It is not Mr Cummings fault that he has a five-hour drive to get to his begonia’s.  I also understand that the greenfly infestation on his roses, urgently required a heavy dose of Fairy Liquid.”

A spokesman for Durham Police said, “Based on the evidence available, we are not going to take any further action, at this time. We have a funding review coming up, that I suspect, is going to find in our favour.”

Meanwhile, the use of the word ‘Hancock’, to describe governmental boo-boos, continues.