The Government are concerned about the increasing number of exploding Daily Mail readers. So far, 42 people have spontaneously combusted.
The first fatality was Ian Napton, who blew up while tucking into his Full English.
Gillian Napton takes up the story, “There he was, chewing on a mouthful of egg and black-pudding, and reading The Sunday Mail when his head began to expand, his face turned crimson and he started to sweat. I knew it was really bad when his top lip began to quiver. Before I could do anything, he exploded all over the dining room. It was horrible, I’ll never get the stains out of the carpet.”
The cause of the explosion relates to an article which explained that ‘Being Tolerant’ means putting up with people who are not like you. This was a revelation to Mail readers, who describe themselves as ‘very tolerant, me’. Tolerance of those of a different colour, with strange religious beliefs, sexual habits and a liking for spicy food, does not come naturally to a Daily Mail reader.
One reader said, “I’m very tolerant, me; but they don’t help themselves, do they? Why can’t they just be more like us? You know, adopt our ways and such like; worship The Queen, wear an England shirt when the football’s on, and give out blow jobs behind the ‘Spoons bins on a Friday night. They’re living here, so they should be more English!”
Scientists believe that the explosions occur when a Mail readers naturally occurring ‘gammonites’ become increasingly agitated by any suggestion of reasonableness. The ‘gammonites’ stop the formation of rational and coherent thoughts, or the ability to express them. Unable to cope with the rising pressure, the turnip explodes.