Following another season, where Lionel Messi, the World’s greatest football player, destroyed opponents with outrageous displays of skill, La Liga has offered to provide counselling for distraught players.

It was terrible. There he was, standing right in front of me with the ball at his feet, and he was laughing. Before I knew it, I was flat on my back with my legs in the air, and the bastard had scored again. I’m a good defender, I represent my country, and I have achieved great things. But now I’m afraid to put my boots on.

Donkey Hotey, Traumatised Defender

Post Messi Trauma is now so bad that teams are considering not turning up for matches. Highly talented, skilled athletes are barricading themselves in their bedrooms and refusing to come out until he retires. Clubs are seeing millions of pounds wiped off their balance sheets, as players turn into gibbering wrecks. Counselling is considered the only way forward.

One club has called on the help of American Trauma Counsellors

I’ve counselled school shooting survivors, how bad can this be? It’s just a kids game, it’s not like real football.

Billy-Bob Napton, NRA Approved Counsellor

Meanwhile, the players are not reassured.

I am considering moving to Manchester United, so I never have to play him again.

Over paid Jessie