A Dunstable based Track and Trace operative was surprised when she called a number on her list, and Lord Lucan answered the phone.

This is T&T’S latest success. Recent achievements include finding; Shergar, 20,000 missing nurses and The Ark of the Covenant.

Our real hope is to find The Holy Grail, that would be something. We heard that a man in Newcastle met someone in a ‘spoons, whose brother knows a guy that may be able to help.

Sir Lance A’lot

A Government shill claims that the UK’s Track and Trace system is truly world-beating. “The American’s still haven’t found Bigfoot, Elvis or Donald Trump guilty. As for our European partners, we are closer to finding The Count of Monte Cristo than the French, and the Italian’s are never going to find The Godfather. The only downside is the German’s, who with their legendary efficiency claim to have found the missing link. So, yes! things are going well.”

Asked about the Government’s record in locating infected people, the Health Secretary said,

It’s not all about the numbers. This is a very difficult process, I’ve only had 7 months to get testing in place. But look at the things we have found; A left-sided English midfielder, Lord Lucan and the rest of Boris’s children. Focus on the positive!

Calamity Hancock, Wealth Secretary

Meanwhile, the government continues.