Monkey News

Hell plans to increase capacity in its 8th and 9th circles

Hell is seeking planning permission to expand its the eighth and ninth circles following a surge of sin. The capacity of the eighth circle of hell, reserved for those sinners who have committed fraud, is already at breaking point. Space in the ninth, for those who’ve dammed themselves through treachery, is similarly oversubscribed. 

We’ve never been so busy. They are crammed in like sardines, It’s a bloody hellish; well it’s supposed to be, but you get my drift.

Lucifer, The Lad Himself

The surge in the dammed has been caused by a number of factors, but an exponential increase in internet fraud is driving an increase, mainly in the fraud demographic. A sharp increase in bogus PPE sales and the new UK government SCAM regulations have inflated this sector.”

Treachery, that is real treachery, is actually less common than the tabloids would have you believe and the bar is set lower accordingly: You really have to be a corrupt politician or perfidious hedge fund manager, preferably both. 

Dan Ante, Underworld Analyst and circle enthusiast

The sudden influx dammed souls has raised a question mark over Lucifer’s planning of the COVID pandemic. Nobody from hell would officially comment, but behind the scenes, some senior demons are criticising the Prince of Darkness for not sorting out accommodation before unleashing a global virus. One source was overheard saying:

“The daft devil should have seen this coming, but you can’t tell him anything. Maybe he should take a trip to Barnard Castle to check out his foresight.” 

Meanwhile, the government continues

Categories:Monkey News

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