Boris in the warMonkey News

Baggy Johnson searches for his Churchill moment

“Chocks away, Baggy!”

An eight-year-old Boris Johnson stood on tiptoes, brandishing a long-handled broom, pushing model aeroplanes around on a dining room table at Eton, re-enacting the scene from a wartime planning bunker. “Let’s give Gerry a right pasting!,” Boris enthused, as he imagined leading the country through a war.

Nearly half a century later, and scarcely having been prime minister for little more than a year, Boris has only skirted around the idea of declaring war on Germany (he’s still working on it, mind you). He’s been busy leading the country through the virus. The dining room table has been moved from Eton to Downing Street and Boris still possesses the long-handled broom. “I can’t reach!” a frustrated Boris exclaimed. “I can’t reach Liverpool. It’s too far up north. Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. I was going to put them in their own special Tier 4 and shut down all the sportswear shops!”

Now let me see. Which nice Tory parts of the south can have their own Tier 0?

Boris Johnson, Dominic Cummings mouthpiece

Boris pushed lots of numbers as far around the board as he could reach, reminiscing about the little model aeroplanes at Eton and how Baggy Johnson gave the sausage eaters the fright of their lives. “We won then and we’ll win now!”

Meanwhile, the government continues.

Why not buy one of our shirts? Here is Barmy Lord Brockman in a ‘Meanwhile, the Government continues’ shirt

Meanwhile, the Government continues

Vote Loony, Vote Monster Raving Loony Party, the only political party endorsed by The Chatty Chimp! Although, we are open to offers.

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