Monkey Life

Scottish Government’s job search App says “Yer Da Sells Avon!”

Scotland’s world-beating retrain, rethink and reboot system keeps returning ‘Yer Da Sells Avon’.

We want to expand the Scottish people’s horizons, make them realise that there is a world of opportunity out there. As one door opens, another closes or something like that. Perhaps you could become a ballerina, a pantomime cow or a bartender. You can be anything.

Donald, MSP

Unfortunately, the scheme is attracting criticism after the algorithm keeps returning the same option, “Yer Da Sells Avon”.

I’m nae doing that

Jimmy McNapton, Glaswegian

Following an investigation into the parameters of the computer model, and after double-checking that Dido Harding had nothing to do with it, experts can confirm that the system is working perfectly.

Not everyone in Scotland is against the idea.

I love it. I’ve been working in Financial Services for the last 20 years, and frankly I’m sick to death of it! Now I can sell something people want and need. Selling Avon is opening so many doors, it’s giving me a new lease of life. Have you seen our concealer? It’s way better than Maybelline’s, I use it myself.

Ian McNapton, Former Bank worker from Edinburgh.

Dad, you’re so embarrassing. Why can’t you do something less embarrassing, like Estate Agency, Journalism or drug dealing?

Ian’s teenage daughter

Faced with the overwhelming evidence that one person liked it, the English Government will adopt the Scottish programme, and it will roll out, eventually.

At least we will be able stop telling ballerinas to go and work in PC World

Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister In Waiting

Why not get one of our shirts?

As we say in Scotland!

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