A delighted Boris Johnson says that trade talks with the EU are over. Britain can look forward to an Aussie-style arrangement and will prosper mightily, the PM insists.

Pressed for details on what an “Aussie-style arrangement” will mean, the PM said,

Er, um, well, you know, prawns on the barbie, hot weather and a decent cricket team. Tally ho!

Boris Johnson, Rushi Sunak’s seat warmer

In return for these world-class benefits, Britain can look forward to interruptions to food and medicine supplies, although government advice is that this would only be a problem if you’re either hungry or ill. If you can avoid these issues, it’ll all be splendid.

We don’t want frictionless trade and we don’t want British citizens to have the automatic right to live and work in 27 other European countries, that’s why we voted to leave in 2016. Well, obviously, we still want everyone who wishes it to be able to live in Benidorm. That goes without saying. Brits will always be needed there to cook the breakfast fry ups for holidaymakers.

Boris Johnson, Dominic Cummings Mouth-piece

A spokesman for the EU said, “Pfff. We don’t care. Enjoy your barbecues.”

A spokesman for Boris Johnson’s financial adviser, said, “Excellent.”

Meanwhile, Brexit continues.

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