The Really Useless Theatre Company are following up their successful Ice Dance Spectacular, Carry-on farce and Christmas Panto with a ‘reset’ of the Bond genre. The plot follows Janus Blond as he tracks down a Government mole.

This is going to be a blockbuster. The budget is a secret, but we’ve already spent £12bn on the cast’s riders.

Tubby Brassica, Producer

[Warning, spoilers]

Called “Die in Another Ditch”, the film kicks off with a high-speed car chase to Barnard Castle; ending when Blond (Boris) finally terminates Ernst Blowhard (Dom Cummings’).

On returning to London, Blond is instructed by the haughty government Minister for Empire (Rees-Mogg) and ‘M’ (Duncan-Smith) to find a mole who is passing embarrassing secrets to the press.

Blond teams up with former press secretary, ‘Christmas Nut-Nuts’ (Carrie Symonds) and they become romantically entangled. But Christmas is seized and held hostage by ruthless media mogul ‘May Lie’ (Priti Patel).

Hampered by some dodgy tech from the enigmatic ‘Q’ (Chris Grayling) and several assaults on his person by May Lie. Blond eventually identifies the mole as Minister and hack journalist ‘Terry Graph’ (Michael Gove). But May Lie finds out that Terry has betrayed her to a rival tabloid and turns against Terry, allowing Bond to take Christmas back.

Blond tracks down Terry and May, finding them locked in mortal combat in the rose garden of No 10: Terry is choking May with a creeping vine. Blond incapacitates Terry with a magnum of Dom Perignon ’57, but is too late to save May Lie.

The film ends with May Lie, buried under a pile of bullshit in the Rose Garden and the media headlines…

Blond saves Christmas, but May Lie in a ditch.

The Scum, Sleazy Red Top.

You couldn’t make it up.

Meanwhile, the Government continues…