The imminent, unexpected and wildly applauded stabbing of Caesar Johnsonius is underway.
Brutus and Co start dagger collection for Caesar
Amazon Prime hits the jackpot with their new series, Clarkson Takes A Dump
Amazon Prime, really rubbing our noses in it.
Sir Moore Patrick claims that Astronomy isn’t funny anymore
Astronomy is really boring, I thought there would be aliens and lasers and stuff but it is all just rocks.
ITV airs three hours of silence in memory of Piers Morgan
Piers Morgan quits Good Morning Britain after being beaten up by the weatherman.
Priti Patel claims she is innocent after massive pay-off to bullying victim
We would like to make it clear that there is no suggestion that an enormous cash pay off in anyway suggests that Priti Patel is guilty, absolutely not.
Ex-President Trump says “Pardon me while I Pardonnez-Moi”
Ex-President Trump says well, pardonnez-mois
Automaton wins the BBC’s annual (Sports) Lack of Personality Award
The annual lack of personality award goes to a colossal dullard.
Babs bars Jesus from The Pearly Gates pub
I’m not having it, you can’t go around asking women if they are virgins, not in my pub
Uh-oh Seven is hot on the trail of the supervillain, Government Mole
Christmas Nut-Nuts ends up buried in the Rose Garden under a pile of bullshit, while Blond restores the ammonia content of his compost heap.
Masterchef cancelled as Britain runs out of ruddy ducks!
Spatch left the competition after his duck failed to impress the judges. The duck wasn’t too keen on him either.
NASA beaten by Ant and Dec on launch day
If NASA were more willing to get in a bath full of live rats, or spend a night in Newport, people might respond better to them.
Sound engineer lost in TV garden makeover maze for three years
He has been living on grubs and berries and collecting water in an old wellie boot!
The Chatty Chimp 