By Our Anti-Corruption Tsars, Mary Briberry and Jack Hander

DUCHY OF LANCASTER, UK – Fretting in case the public believed him to be an upstanding public servant with strong moral judgement, Michael Gove pacified citizens nationwide yesterday as he announced that he’d have wrongfully procured government contracts for all his friends as well, if he wasn’t so alone.

“Rest assured, it was not through lack of willing that I did not exploit the suffering of others during the pandemic for the financial gain of my friends and associates,” said an emotional Mr Gove through tears, rending his stuffed white shirt. “I would never baulk at the task of bunging PPE deals to Tory Party donors. Nor would I quail at the thought of offloading vital regional Test and Trace software to old boys from Eton, Harrow and minor public schools like Rugby and Winchester. The fact is I am a friendless, odious reptile and so my hand was forced.”

“If I had made a single buddy, pal or chum in all my years at university, on the staff of various national newspapers or as a government minister, I would have done exactly what Matt, Boris and the rest of the lads did,” continued Mr Toad, in between gulps of his swollen throat. “Sadly, though, there was no one on the receiving end of my backhander, so I have ended up coming out of this debacle squeaky clean. Not the right look for a Tory MP, is it? I’ll be declaring all my financial donors in the MPs’ register of interests next.”

Gove felt the need to speak out after Health Secretary BeerMatt Hancock was found to have acted illegally in granting a deal to supply PPE to a company previously best known for fobbing off dodgy pork scratchings on unsuspecting pub landlords, which happened to be run by his next door neighbour. 

“I could have gone in for classic nepotism by offering a contract to my wife, and not just a marriage one. Pause for laughter. Oh, right, not meant to read that bit,” bemoaned Gove, clearly rueing an opportunity for classic cronyism gone abegging. “However, she was too busy humanising me in the Daily Mail – paving my way for another potential pop at the leadership in five years’ time – to engage in something so underhand.”

“I cannot stand idly by while ordinary people labour under the illusion that I am not only competent, but a determined Good Samaritan with an unimpeachable sense of civic duty. Actually I’m a loser.”

Dido Harding could not be reached for comment because the app couldn’t find her.