After paying a massive sum of tax-payers cash to her victim, Priti Patel is cleared of any wrongdoing.

“I’m pleased to say that we have come to a settlement. The unnamed Sir Humphrey is to receive a large sum of cash, a seat in the House of Lords, and an incredibly well-paid job on a quango, where he will be researching the impact of Government Policy as it relates to the ecological structure of the Caribbean Beaches. I am particularly looking forward to his reports on the environmental effects of daiquiris, cricket, and bush management. “

Boris Johnson, spineless bubblehead

The unnamed Sir Humphrey is delighted with his settlement, especially as his meagre £1 million-pound Civil Service pension is to double.

“To be honest, I didn’t know how I would survive. The golf club fees are rising, the box at Covent Garden gets more expensive every year, and the MCC membership is due. It is important to remember that no one likes to be insulted in the workplace without a proper payoff. These days, you can’t go around the office calling someone a useless cockwomble, no matter how true it is, without having to fork over the large.”

The anonymous Sir Humphrey

Meanwhile, Priti Patel is delighted to be cleared of any wrongdoing.

“Just because the Government is paying this man hundreds of thousands of pounds, giving him a cushy job, and doubling his pension, doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, and I’ll chin the bastard that says otherwise. And no, Mr. Smartypants reporter, as I am entirely innocent, it would be irresponsible of me to let this case go to an employment tribunal, where I could clear my name and uphold the reputation of my privileged office.”

Priti Patel, The Daddy

The Secret Barrister would like to make it clear that he/she has not commented on the outcome of this case. But if the Secret Barrister were to say anything, it might be something like:

“Settling a case before it goes to court doesn’t mean you’re innocent, it may mean that you haven’t been found guilty, but that is not the same thing. Now, trot off and read my books; they are very good.”

The Secret Barrister