The ever-growing pile of shite, housed at Westminster, generates enough hot air to heat 20,000 homes, claim Thames Water.

We have developed a pumping system that feeds a constant stream of bullshit through nearby properties. Think of it as the plumbing equivalent of The Daily Mail. We are confident that this system will recycle more than enough crap to keep Greta happy.

Ian Napton, Bullshit expert

Bullshit experts estimate that one Boris Johnson speech produces enough hot air to heat a street for 3 days. Whilst Kier Starmer’s current contribution is almost negligible, it won’t be long before he starts adding more bull to the pile.

The naysayers’ worry that if too many front-benchers speak on the same day, the system will overload, swamping people in a sea of bullshit. This risk increases significantly when Ian Blackford attends PMQ’s.  The designers claim such fears are groundless, and the heat-overflow safety-system will drain the excess heat for storage in a giant gasbag.

There is a million to one chance that something will go wrong with this system. No one believes for one moment that people will end up drowning in bullshit.

Ian Napton, over-confident expert

If this prototype proves successful, there are plans to install a national network of energy-efficient bullshit recyclers at Town Halls, Churches and Piers Morgan’s studio.

The potential of this system is enormous as there is an almost infinite supply!

Ian Napton, Professional friend