South East Water has introduced a hosepipe ban in southern England. The company is introducing the ban following summer’s sudden and unexpected appearance.  

Officials at the company deny responsibility for the water shortage, claiming that there is no way that they could have known that June, July and August could be warm.

“Look, we gave my chum, Giles Giles, a £260 million contract to tell us when the weather would be a bit warmer so we could predict when everyone would use more water. He assured me that he and his team would use the latest technical data to do a Google search and identify the warmer months. Clearly, something is wrong with Google; Giles didn’t tell us that the temperature could rise to 26 degrees and we’d run out of water. It’s not our fault.”

Many critics are asking why South East Waters owners, an Australian Utility Company, fail to provide water to British Residents? They may wonder why their highly-paid managers can’t predict higher demand in warm weather? And why they can’t invest in fixing leaks or building new reservoirs? It’s almost as though the Aussies are only in it for the money. People may also wonder why we are paying a foreign company not to supply us with water while they are busy filling our streams, rivers, lakes and the sea with tons and tons of shit. It’s a puzzler alright.

Meanwhile, South East Water explained that because they can’t provide us with any water, they will have to put our bills up. ”That’s how it works. Obviously, we can’t cut executive pay or stop paying dividends, we’ve got customers in Australia to think about. My daughter needs her swimming pool filled. Do you know how hot it gets in Oz?” Said Bruce Bruce.

In a radical plan designed to help thirsty Brits, South East Water asks locals to perform traditional British rain dances. With immediate effect, they want people to arrange garden parties, barbecues, picnics and trips to the seaside. These are all proven to bring rain. Sitting outside pubs and going out without a coat are also considered essential.

The government is also stepping in to help by declaring a bank holiday every Monday for the next three months. “Nothing makes it more wet and miserable than a bank holiday.”

Other measures include extending Wimbledon to six weeks, asking the Australian cricket team not to finish a test match in three days, showering as often as the French and holding Glastonbury every other week.

Meanwhile, your government continues.