Senior Royals are expected to hold a series of meetings with Grandees from the Tory party to discuss funding methods. Royals are impressed at how people voluntarily gift large sums to Rishi and co.

A spokesman for the Palace told us, “Every year, we have this tiresome business of how much the taxpayer contributes to the Royal purse. Some people clearly resent it and don’t look at the wonderful value the Monarchy provides, travelling the globe to shake hands, waving and attending Wimbledon. So we thought, wouldn’t it be better if the funding came from volunteers? We looked for an organisation that might offer advice on how they go about it, and then, bingo, the news carried just what we were looking for. Somebody gave the Tory party £10 million. Just like that, out of the kindness of his heart. We looked into it and it turns out the NHS had kindly given him £400 million before that. Isn’t it lovely how we’re such a generous society, giving such large gifts to one another?”

Dismissing suggestions that wealthy donors give money to political parties in exchange for power and influence and that any voluntary gifts to the Royal purse might also come at a price, the Spokesman said, “That’s no problem. Shall we say £1 million for an MBE, £5 million for an OBE, £10 million for a Knighthood? And poor folk could perhaps contribute £50,000 to attend a garden party.”

Tory Grandees are impressed with the natural way in which the Palace has taken to selling its services in return for worthless influence. “We always thought Royal fundraising didn’t go beyond charging £28 for a pot of Duchy honey, but this is really impressive,” a Cabinet Minister told us. “Turns out I’m not the only one doing a fucking good job.”

Until a formal Honours menu has been signed off, taxpayers will continue to fund the Royals, with additional voluntary contributions raised from the sale of tea towels and crockery.

Meanwhile, the rich get richer and the poor vote Tory.