Keir Starmer has discovered the secret to keeping Labour in government for multiple terms. Freeze and starve the old folk. “How do you think the Tories stayed in power for so long? They looked after the wealthy and crucified the poor. Fourteen years that worked for! I like being Prime Minister, so I’m doing everything I can to ingratiate myself with the rich people, who matter.

I’ve said that we have difficult decisions to make as a government. We’ve decided to scrap Winter Fuel Payments to pensioners and that’s a good start. Now we have to see what else we can take away from them. We won’t be fiddling with Capital Gains Tax, no fear.”

Announcing further cuts to come at a lecturn requires a pithy three-word slogan in today’s politics. “Fleece The Poor seems good to go with,” Starmer told us, “It was a pity. I liked the word “Vulnerable” but it was too long for all but the widest lecturns.”

With a huge majority, it won’t be difficult to get these cuts through. “The bonus is, if some of my own backbenchers’ revolt and won’t vote with me, I can probably rely on the Tories to rally around.”

The new government is taking the traditional route of blaming the previous administration for the bad news to come. “There’s no money in the pot to keep pensioners warm. It’s just a fact. What do you mean, Brexit is costing us £40 billion a year? Even if it does, we’ve made the tough decision to close our eyes and put our fingers in our ears on that one.”

Meanwhile, your new Labour government continues and Mrs Starmer has a lovely new wardrobe.