Still reeling from the country telling them to fuck off, shell-shocked delegates have arrived in the multi-cultural melting pot that is Birmingham.

As attendees dust off their copies of Mien Kampf, polish up their dog whistles and explain how the failure of 14 years of commonsense government was down to the “tofu-eating twitterati” and the “underground transgender mafia”, the faithful are soaking their crosses in paraffin and left wondering why no English people want to wipe Grannies arse.

Delegates are attempting to reunite a divided party. Critical decisions being discussed involve selecting this month’s ‘must hate’ group, whether bringing back Boris would help, and how the rich can pay less tax.  

However, the main topic under discussion is the ongoing leadership campaign. Faced with the worst candidate list since the last season of The Apprentice, the party faces a difficult choice. One Conservative MP told me, “We are being asked to select from idiots, racists and grifters, and in at least one case, all three. I give up; I really do. This lot was responsible for this shit, and now we have to choose one as King, I despair.”

Following the defection of many voters to any other party, the number of conference attendees is down. We asked a party spokesman about this, and they said, “For a start, it would help if the lettuce were to shut up. And that sodding Farage, even though he is 3,000 miles away, he still hoovers up our traditional voters. Now that we aren’t in government, our wealthy donors have buggered off to Labour, so there are no lavish parties going on. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, bloody Boris has popped in to plug his bloody book.”

Meanwhile. the BBC issued an apology after news coverage of the conference purported to show several fringe meetings. It seems the footage was of group therapy sessions at Broadmoor. “We are sorry for the confusion, but in our defence, no one noticed.”

Meanwhile, some sort of nicely turned-out government continues.