Nigel Farage held a medal ceremony in Frinton-on-Sea to honour those cruelly cancelled in the culture wars.

Last week, the Black Shirts lost Gregg Wallace to repeated allegations of misogyny, sexism and groping young girls. Whereas he should have been cancelled for his appalling sense of humour.

John Torode is receiving treatment from a top PR Company after failing to notice anything amiss over a 15-year period. “Well, he is Australian; it will have all seemed perfectly normal to him.” Said a spokesperson.

The Aussie chef was later heard to say. “You’re not taking me down, too, you fat bald cunt.”

This week, Lee Anderson, MP and professional bell end, was severely wounded in the Battle of the It’s Alright for Somme. Leanderthal was triggered by a tweet mentioning periods and the menopause. His outrage, fierce patriotism, and lack of decency led him into a fateful trap, where a middle-class woman of a certain age ensured he was widely ridiculed…again.

During the ceremony, Naughty Nigel had a warning for those keyboard warriors who tried to claim you can’t say ‘Merry Christmas’ anymore. “Don’t listen to those who ask you to give an example. Don’t let absent facts stop you from generating hate-filled clickbait. Your efforts help me make money. Keep it up.”

The Clacton Crackpot went on to warn the faithful to be careful of obvious traps. For example, the internet will point out that an unusually warm day in winter doesn’t mean that climate change is false, no one said you can’t sell poppies, and gay marriage doesn’t require you to suck off strangers behind the bins in Spoons. Everything you don’t like isn’t ‘WOKE’. “Be careful out there, and don’t let reasonable people stop you.” Blubbed the snowflake.  

The Grifter-in-Chief then asked the cultists to dig deep and donate to the cause. “If we are to win this war, you need to send me money. Please make your donations payable to Reform UK Limited. Hurry, pay today; it won’t be long before I strategically bankrupt the company over unpaid tax and national insurance. There’s a reason I own 3 million pounds worth of farmland.”

Meanwhile, grifters gonna to grift.