Mon. Jul 26th, 2021

The British public says it wants to see a new panel of judges for next year’s Brexit Factor, as this year’s have turned out to be monumentally shit at their job.

Disgruntled couch sloth Keith Wavering said: “I voted Europe out at the audition stage because Judge Boris said it was rubbish. I liked Boris for his funny hair, his hilarious gaffes and his utter lack of meta-ethical moral relativism, but now I’m starting to wonder if his dead-eyed monomania and egregious lust for victory at any cost isn’t misleading the audience a little bit.”

Kathy Woman, who voted for Remain in the early rounds, added: “I liked that Keir Starmer because he said Yes to Customs Union, but it turned out he meant A Customs Union, not The Customs Union, so now I don’t know what the fuck to think.

“I thought it might get better when David Davis walked off the panel in Week 48, but they replaced him with a half-inflated spit-filled pink balloon with a frown painted on it, and yes, it did get a bit better actually.”

“I don’t get Theresa’s game plan,” opined human cushion Bernard Drool of Essex. “At first she wanted Europe to stay, but as soon as they were out she was giving it all that about how shit they were. Even though Boris isn’t even a judge anymore, it’s like she’s terrified of what he’ll do if she tries to stop Cataclysmic Economic and Societal Meltdown winning.”

Gary Blairite of Orpington said: “Jeremy who? Is he even still in it? I know he was mentoring Jobs First Brexit for a while but where is he now, when we need him? Maybe he’s hiding under the desk or something.

“Next season I think Single Market should get to bootcamp at least. I hope Remain enters the competition again, because they really fucked up the audition last time. By then everyone will have realised Hard Brexit is a one hit wonder, so with some new judges maybe the winner will be something less utterly destructive and humiliating, like a bulldog that farts Rule Britannia, or Matt Cardle.”

Brexit Factor creator David Cameron was unavailable for comment.


By Rhesus Mogg

With a penchant for wordiness, a love of real ale and sharp wit we are wondering why Rhesus is slumming it at Chatty. Although we are glad to have him, especially at opening time.

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