Monkey News

New tissue ranges announced including Teenager, Single Woman, Mum, Granny and Man Utd Fan

Following the recent row about changing Mansize tissues to a gender neutral term, one manufacturer has decided to expand their range, and cater for everyone.

Barry Loke, speaking for Stereotypical Tissues Inc, explained, “This is a tremendous opportunity for us to cash in on free publicity. We’ve decided to launch niche ranges of tissues, with the eventual aim of covering every cheap stereotype.”

The company plan to retain their bestselling Mansize Tissue, but augment the range with some of the following;

Teenage Boy Tissues; There are twice as many in each box and each tissue is twice the size of the standard Mansize.

Teenage Princess Range; Exactly the same as standard Mansize, except they come in pink with pictures of princesses, unicorns and boy bands.

Single Woman’s, ‘He’s not worth it’ tissues; These have been specially designed to mop up spilt wine and cat-shit. The edges have alternating tear off squares reading “He’s a bastard” and “But I love him”.

Mum’s; Exactly the same as the standard Mansize range, after all no married man ever bought a box of tissues, anyway.

Pensioner’s Tissues; Each tissue comes printed with ‘My name is…….., If I appear dazed and confused, it’s quite normal. Give me a cup of tea, a biscuit and return me to ………..,

Manchester United Fan; Comes in Red, with the day and date printed on it, to mop up the tears shed everyday, whilst Jose Mourinho is still in charge. This is expected to be a big seller.

When asked if he had any concerns about reinforcing cheap stereotypes, Barry Loke said, “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about, they’re just f***ing tissues.”

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