Fake News from France. President Trump missed the ceremony to commemorate the end of the First World War. After receiving much criticism on his beloved twitter, he went to great lengths to justify his reasons.

1. My team promised me showers, and I’d naturally assumed they were golden, which was why I’d agreed to the trip in the first place. I was very disappointed to discover Angela M was not going to be doing that German thing after all.

2. The wind plays havoc with my hair piece and the heavy rain makes my face paint run.

3. The field was muddy and would have messed up my patent leather shoes.

4. I wasn’t allowed to wear my “Make America Great Again” hat, and I was very disappointed to learn America didn’t win the war all on its own.

5. What do you mean the Nazi’s weren’t in WW1? Well, I’m definitely not going.

6. I wasn’t the focal point of the show. Some French guy called Macron was centre stage along with Angela, who was on the opposing team, it just wasn’t fair.

7. There are more votes at home if I upset the cheese eating surrender monkeys.

8. I’d lost MY umbrella, I was sure I had it with me when I got on the plane.

9. McDonalds have got a BOGOF Offer on.

10. They told me it was going to be a celebration, so I was expecting a party with chicks and everything but then they told me ‘commemoration’ meant standing in a field looking sad and I wasn’t up for that.

11. I’m the Goddamn Mother-f**king President and no apologies are necessary.