The Department of Health is calling for Santa Claus to be banned as he sets a bad example to children.

Dr Arthur Maynard, from The Ministry, said, “Santa is clearly not in the best of health. His diet of neat spirits, cakes and pies is very damaging. Annual binge drinking suggests borderline alcoholism. The ruddy red face indicates s a serious heart condition, which isn’t surprising given that he is so overweight. There is clear evidence of diabetes, with his current diet he is unable to control his glucose levels. One is led to the obvious conclusion that the man is Scottish!” 

He added, “All the extra weight he’s carrying and the physical effort involved in roof work puts him in a high-risk category. It’s a good job he only comes once a year, any more often and he’d have a heart attack.”

The Ministry claim that bombarding children with relentless images of an over-weight, middle-aged man with a drink problem who is always happy and smiling gives children unrealistic health goals.

Research shows that areas of the country where Santa is particular prolific, e.g. Scotland and The North, have particularly high numbers of over-weight, alcoholics who don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘lite’.

That’s  it, I’ve just about had it with these do-gooding tossers. Is nothing sacred? I’ve spent a fortune on the kids presents this year and someone’s got to deliver them. If they think it’s going to be a vegan in joggers drinking a sprout smoothie, there’s going to be trouble. The kids expect to see a short, fat, jolly man with a beard at Xmas, which is why I married their dad.

Charlotte from Bury